Honesty

Pasenxa na mga readers, gripping (nagma-maasim) lang ako.  Today, I ended a one year long dating.  Hindi ko na-describe maiigi un sa last blog ko, but it was a very meaningful and fulfilling experience.  It was indeed a roller coaster ride… with tears, blood and laughter along the way.  I really thought we could make it.

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Sabi ng bestfriend ko, masyado daw akong idealistic.  I shouldn’t expect anyone will be honest with you all the time.  Pero alam niyang kaya un.  Dahil he is an honest guy.  And he knows me to be true, with a dozen of our friends who will not resort in lying unless buhay na ang nakataya.  For us, its not an idealism, its normal.  But I’ve seen a lot of liars, I hang out with them, some even became good friends.  It don’t matter to me much that they lie.

But to you, whom I gave a part of my heart, its only the thing that I asked.

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

My ex-date is a great guy.  Nakasundo nya ang barkada ko, ang family ko.  But most of all, he was patient, he was kind, and caring.  He looks good too.  And funny.  Meron din xang mga flaws like everybody has.  But those I can tolerate.

Some people say terrible things about him.  They claim that they witnessed… experienced… proved that he don’t deserved to be cared for, to be loved.  Hindi ako nakinig.  I gave him absolute trust, something I rarely give to anyone.  I accepted and tolerated all technicalities, all worming around, all borderline-lies.  But when I experienced being lied to, for the second time, a lie without loophole… plain, hard, sharp lie, the part of my heart I gave bleed, numbed, died.

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

I considered the year we spent together.  Ang mga moments na tahimik lang kaming magkayakap sa batuhan sa tabi ng dagat ng Manila Bay, ang lamayan sa paglalaro ng DotA, long dinners where we talk endlessly about anything, hawak-kamay at maghalikan kahit saan, ang sandalan sa bus at kahit anong sasakyan.  Those times na panatag ang puso, at nararamdaman mong kontento ka. 

I considered the storms we faced, survived, overcame.  Ang mga petty quarrels, or week long fights.  Ang mga walking out, and those silent cries till dawn.

I considered the what-ifs.  What if I can’t find another one, and can’t start a new beginning?  What if I am really just being too idealistic?  What if he do deserved a third chance?

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

Kinapa ko ang parte ng puso ko na binigay ko sa kanya, na isinoli nya na ngaun.  And like trust and crystal ball, it was once cracked, now its shattered, irreparably broken.  And when I do fix a broken heart, the broken pieces just wound me even more.

When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one I depend upon

Shaw, I have no regrets.  At kung babalik ako sa past, sa part when I first decided to date you, I still would.  And maniwala ka man o hindi that I care, Shaw, I still do. 

I just couldn’t give my heart to you anymore.